It didn't occur to me that an actual appointment would make more sense for someone without a car (me), so I wouldn't go out of my way to spend time with someone who isn't there, and so someone doesn't have to feel obligated to wait around all day for me to show up. So I went through 6 bus rides to find the facility, get lost, pick up the food, stop back home and find this old woman's house, just to find out the octogenarian had decided to step out. It's ok. I understand she may have forgotten, or decided to make other plans and forgot to tell the organization, or maybe she wasn't sure when I was coming and got tired of staying at home. I don't blame her. I think the part that hurt was that I didn't get to experience the rewarding part on my end. Sure, I thought the idea of keeping a senior citizen company who may have been forgotten about or cast aside, a feeling I am familiar with, would be a kind, compassionate thing to do. However, not having anyone to share the holidays with myself I would also be able to simultaneously be in good company as well. No such luck.
I felt terrible. Not because it was the end of the world, or because not celebrating a holiday like everyone else is so shameful. It was a just a reminder of what I just don't have. I don't have connection. I have freedom, I have tenacity, I have courage, and I have compassion. I just don't have connection. I don't have intimacy, I don't have trust,and I don't have a home. I have a house, shelter and money but not a home. A home can be a place, a person, even a feeling, but I am homeless.
On my way home from dropping the meal off along with a note, I fought back tears. It felt like the story of my life: my good intentions were not strong enough to get me where or what I wanted, and once again I was stood up. Despite this woman's un-intentions, I felt rejected. As I made my way from the bus stop to my current residence, ironically, I came across this sign at the crosswalk.
It's strategic placement at a crosswalk, right between "Start crossing" and "Don't cross" was no mistake in my mind. I took a quick picture of it and the tears pushed their way through my stoic barrier. I just didn't want to be disappointed anymore. I didn't want to feel sorry for myself either. I just wanted, still want, results.
I want people to be honest with me. I want to be noticed. I want people that I want to want me back. I want to be respected at work. I want people to fucking call me when I give them my number and follow through with plans.I want to have opportunities to be openly artistic without feeling like a goddamn weirdo for doing so. I want the guy I'm attracted to, to fucking ask me out , even if it means breaking some rules. Just give me a chance.Its not that often that I find someone that impresses me.Please.
Just give it to me universe. I deserve it. I work hard for it.
I just want to shine. Truly. Then I will be home.
