I must have a bajillion other things I could post about but this particular issue chaps my ass. Why, why oh motherfucking why is it such a big motherfucking deal for a woman to curse?
I understand vulgar and graphic language is not for everyone but why is it in soooo many cases, at least in my experience so far, is there such a fuss over a woman using this language, while the reaction to a man's use of it is a disapproving head shake or merely ignored? Oh the wealth I would have inherited if I had a dollar for every time some one thought I should speak more like a "lady" or "broaden my vocabulary". Well fuck yourself. Seriously. I am educated, well read, killer at crossword puzzles and scrabble, and not to mention, just plain intelligent.
I am a strong believer in not just free speech, but free expression. Free speech allows you to say what you want with whatever words you want. Free expression allows you to say it how you want. The latter, I believe, is key to personal freedom. If you must hide your feeling behind appropriate language, your propriety will suffocate your liberty. So then what's the point? Sure we have laws allowing men and women to say what they want, along with other equal "legal" rights. However, the gap between the law and how the law is applied, is vast. Sure we are legally protected, but are we socially? Will the privileged and powerful give enough slack for the rest of us to actually feel equal or will they cling to "if you give an inch they'll take a mile"? Will the rest of the non-privileged fight hard enough and loud enough to gain any ground? Who fucking knows? All we can do is try.
I can say this, it does get pretty exhausting defending yourself constantly. Not just defending your choices, but defending you, your self, your essence. Even when it is your choices, isn't that why people live and move to this country, isn't that what people want most in their lives? Freedom? Well freedom isn't swimming against a heavy current every day of your life. It isn't being judged, ridiculed, corrected, controlled, or blamed. Unfortunately, that's what people do to each other, all the time. Its what we teach our kids to do, its what our parents did to us,along with teachers,politicians, law-makers, media, even our friends and spouses have done our whole lives. Doubt and insecurity haunt us and follow us like our shadows, and we wonder why?We get coached, trained, baptized, and advised on how to improve but rarely do we follow our issues to their core and roots.
We walk around so often with broken hearts and spirits. Some of us from past traumas like abuse or illness, some of us from a status of incessant invisibility, from situation after situation of receiving judgment rather than compassion. It can get pretty fucking lonely when everyone knows how you should deal with things, but no one understands how you feel about them.
Well if I may take a stab at advice, mine would be, just to do you. Take whatever courage you can muster and say what you want to say, do what you want to do. Just keep in mind all the broken souls of the world that may feel the same way and may want the same acknowledgment and validation you do. Don't flatten yourself to fit in the boxes made for you. The only box you should ever fit in is your coffin. When you're dead. And if its possible, when you see someone brave enough to be themself, tell them. Look at them and tell them you admire them. We can all drive down the road to see how far it goes, we just need a little fuel sometimes.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Home isn't where you live, its where they understand you.
Why does it hurt to be the person you would respect and admire if you befriended yourself? Today is Thanksgiving. The day we essentially celebrate genocide and pretend we care about the things we're thankful for. Some people actually are thankful, some people just say they do to fit in, and some people just eat and take a nap. I thought it would be cool if I volunteered to take a meal to an elderly person who would otherwise be alone for the holidays. Unfortunately it was not mentioned that there is a chance your elder will not be home. Ummm...ok... then what's the point?
It didn't occur to me that an actual appointment would make more sense for someone without a car (me), so I wouldn't go out of my way to spend time with someone who isn't there, and so someone doesn't have to feel obligated to wait around all day for me to show up. So I went through 6 bus rides to find the facility, get lost, pick up the food, stop back home and find this old woman's house, just to find out the octogenarian had decided to step out. It's ok. I understand she may have forgotten, or decided to make other plans and forgot to tell the organization, or maybe she wasn't sure when I was coming and got tired of staying at home. I don't blame her. I think the part that hurt was that I didn't get to experience the rewarding part on my end. Sure, I thought the idea of keeping a senior citizen company who may have been forgotten about or cast aside, a feeling I am familiar with, would be a kind, compassionate thing to do. However, not having anyone to share the holidays with myself I would also be able to simultaneously be in good company as well. No such luck.
I felt terrible. Not because it was the end of the world, or because not celebrating a holiday like everyone else is so shameful. It was a just a reminder of what I just don't have. I don't have connection. I have freedom, I have tenacity, I have courage, and I have compassion. I just don't have connection. I don't have intimacy, I don't have trust,and I don't have a home. I have a house, shelter and money but not a home. A home can be a place, a person, even a feeling, but I am homeless.
On my way home from dropping the meal off along with a note, I fought back tears. It felt like the story of my life: my good intentions were not strong enough to get me where or what I wanted, and once again I was stood up. Despite this woman's un-intentions, I felt rejected. As I made my way from the bus stop to my current residence, ironically, I came across this sign at the crosswalk.
It's strategic placement at a crosswalk, right between "Start crossing" and "Don't cross" was no mistake in my mind. I took a quick picture of it and the tears pushed their way through my stoic barrier. I just didn't want to be disappointed anymore. I didn't want to feel sorry for myself either. I just wanted, still want, results.
I want people to be honest with me. I want to be noticed. I want people that I want to want me back. I want to be respected at work. I want people to fucking call me when I give them my number and follow through with plans.I want to have opportunities to be openly artistic without feeling like a goddamn weirdo for doing so. I want the guy I'm attracted to, to fucking ask me out , even if it means breaking some rules. Just give me a chance.Its not that often that I find someone that impresses me.Please.
Just give it to me universe. I deserve it. I work hard for it.
I just want to shine. Truly. Then I will be home.
It didn't occur to me that an actual appointment would make more sense for someone without a car (me), so I wouldn't go out of my way to spend time with someone who isn't there, and so someone doesn't have to feel obligated to wait around all day for me to show up. So I went through 6 bus rides to find the facility, get lost, pick up the food, stop back home and find this old woman's house, just to find out the octogenarian had decided to step out. It's ok. I understand she may have forgotten, or decided to make other plans and forgot to tell the organization, or maybe she wasn't sure when I was coming and got tired of staying at home. I don't blame her. I think the part that hurt was that I didn't get to experience the rewarding part on my end. Sure, I thought the idea of keeping a senior citizen company who may have been forgotten about or cast aside, a feeling I am familiar with, would be a kind, compassionate thing to do. However, not having anyone to share the holidays with myself I would also be able to simultaneously be in good company as well. No such luck.
I felt terrible. Not because it was the end of the world, or because not celebrating a holiday like everyone else is so shameful. It was a just a reminder of what I just don't have. I don't have connection. I have freedom, I have tenacity, I have courage, and I have compassion. I just don't have connection. I don't have intimacy, I don't have trust,and I don't have a home. I have a house, shelter and money but not a home. A home can be a place, a person, even a feeling, but I am homeless.
On my way home from dropping the meal off along with a note, I fought back tears. It felt like the story of my life: my good intentions were not strong enough to get me where or what I wanted, and once again I was stood up. Despite this woman's un-intentions, I felt rejected. As I made my way from the bus stop to my current residence, ironically, I came across this sign at the crosswalk.
It's strategic placement at a crosswalk, right between "Start crossing" and "Don't cross" was no mistake in my mind. I took a quick picture of it and the tears pushed their way through my stoic barrier. I just didn't want to be disappointed anymore. I didn't want to feel sorry for myself either. I just wanted, still want, results.
I want people to be honest with me. I want to be noticed. I want people that I want to want me back. I want to be respected at work. I want people to fucking call me when I give them my number and follow through with plans.I want to have opportunities to be openly artistic without feeling like a goddamn weirdo for doing so. I want the guy I'm attracted to, to fucking ask me out , even if it means breaking some rules. Just give me a chance.Its not that often that I find someone that impresses me.Please.
Just give it to me universe. I deserve it. I work hard for it.
I just want to shine. Truly. Then I will be home.
Friday, November 19, 2010
How much of human life is lost in waiting.
I often wonder if I am the only person who feels like my life is in perpetual transition. It never feels like real life. Its just purgatory life. Waiting for the next level, the next step, in process, still loading.
When I was in High School this feeling was exciting. My life was in waiting but it was about to embark on the most fabulous journey of self discovery and expression and I had nothing to lose but time. Then college rolled around and ended up not really being what I though it would be. All the insecurities, fears and all around disappointments with the world manifested in such a horrifically overwhelming tornado I almost wish I could forget most of it.
The odd thing is, nothing happened in my life thus far that would sound truly integral to my current disillusion with life. Just a series of small disappointments that skew the entire path of your life further and further away from optimism. The only thing you have left is hope. Hope that whatever fire in you still exists enough to pull you back on track.
When I was in High School this feeling was exciting. My life was in waiting but it was about to embark on the most fabulous journey of self discovery and expression and I had nothing to lose but time. Then college rolled around and ended up not really being what I though it would be. All the insecurities, fears and all around disappointments with the world manifested in such a horrifically overwhelming tornado I almost wish I could forget most of it.
The odd thing is, nothing happened in my life thus far that would sound truly integral to my current disillusion with life. Just a series of small disappointments that skew the entire path of your life further and further away from optimism. The only thing you have left is hope. Hope that whatever fire in you still exists enough to pull you back on track.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Rebel With A Cause?
I am genuinely curious. Somehow this form of bonding and socializing has escaped me. What is the fascination of consuming copious amounts of drugs, alcohol and tobacco that seems to appeal to the masses? I can understand the desire to be in an altered state for a short period of time as a parentheses to an otherwise dreary, stressful world. I also understand people enjoy using certain substances to relax or provide them with some courage. I really do understand this under some circumstances but in all honesty I ask, whats the big fucking deal? Why is this the main choice of fun? Why is this cool?
My biggest point of frustration is with the notion that somehow all of this drinking, getting stoned and smoking is somehow a way of sticking it to the man or emitting the aura of being a bad ass. The outlaws are the drinkers and smokers, the social rejects and anarchists are stoners. Sure I am generalizing here, but there seems to be an entire culture of people from high school to middle age that enjoy some kind of substance.Mind altering substances,illegal substances, may cause birth defects substances, makes you fuck strangers substances and puts holes in your brain substances. I call it "substance culture". The age of enlightingup.
Drinking and smoking are some of the most overused symbols of rebellion. Stereotypes of rock stars include leather, a sneer, and a cigarette or drink, usually both. Nearly every cool character in pop-cuture presented as an outcast does some kind of drug as an act of not caring about their health, the law, or propriety in order to counter the image of the "normal adjusted people" who are square and don't do drugs and sit around reading scripture, listening to Taylor Swift. Because obviously if you don't drink or do drugs you must also be a virgin, play by all the rules, act politely and be a complete conformist. Its not like buying tobacco and alcohol products from the largest money making corporations in the country that also coincidentally give you some of the most awful medical problems that coincidentally cause you to spend more of your money on medical and pharmaceutical services and products which, once again, coincidentally are offered by the other largest money makeing coporations in the country, makes you a mere statistic and complete tool of the system.
But I'm just sayin...
Some may refer to people like me as a prude or "straight-edge". Don't be mistaken. Just because my edge is straight doesn't mean its dull. I am not claiming to give a middle finger to the man while making him rich by drinking his beer and smoking his tobacco. And just for the record, weed may relax you but it doesn't open your mind, it erases it.
Maybe I'm envious.Maybe its because 90 percent of my friends can enjoy subtances socially while I am excluded. Or because so many brilliant but likely somehow lost people I look up to advocate drug use as a means of loosening up and letting go or even as means to tap into a creative flow. Maybe I just wish, more than fucking anything, that a stiff drink or a bong hit would do the trick and erase my pain for a few hours. But they don't. Things get even worse, I feel so out of control, so over paranoid, overwhelmed and out of touch its not worth it to even try anymore. Then again, perhaps the painful lack of an escape substance has allowed me the notice the hypocrisy in the substance culture that everyone else seems oblivious to.
Such a sadly ironic phrase "substance culture", we are full of everything but, substance.
My biggest point of frustration is with the notion that somehow all of this drinking, getting stoned and smoking is somehow a way of sticking it to the man or emitting the aura of being a bad ass. The outlaws are the drinkers and smokers, the social rejects and anarchists are stoners. Sure I am generalizing here, but there seems to be an entire culture of people from high school to middle age that enjoy some kind of substance.Mind altering substances,illegal substances, may cause birth defects substances, makes you fuck strangers substances and puts holes in your brain substances. I call it "substance culture". The age of enlightingup.
Drinking and smoking are some of the most overused symbols of rebellion. Stereotypes of rock stars include leather, a sneer, and a cigarette or drink, usually both. Nearly every cool character in pop-cuture presented as an outcast does some kind of drug as an act of not caring about their health, the law, or propriety in order to counter the image of the "normal adjusted people" who are square and don't do drugs and sit around reading scripture, listening to Taylor Swift. Because obviously if you don't drink or do drugs you must also be a virgin, play by all the rules, act politely and be a complete conformist. Its not like buying tobacco and alcohol products from the largest money making corporations in the country that also coincidentally give you some of the most awful medical problems that coincidentally cause you to spend more of your money on medical and pharmaceutical services and products which, once again, coincidentally are offered by the other largest money makeing coporations in the country, makes you a mere statistic and complete tool of the system.
But I'm just sayin...
Some may refer to people like me as a prude or "straight-edge". Don't be mistaken. Just because my edge is straight doesn't mean its dull. I am not claiming to give a middle finger to the man while making him rich by drinking his beer and smoking his tobacco. And just for the record, weed may relax you but it doesn't open your mind, it erases it.
Maybe I'm envious.Maybe its because 90 percent of my friends can enjoy subtances socially while I am excluded. Or because so many brilliant but likely somehow lost people I look up to advocate drug use as a means of loosening up and letting go or even as means to tap into a creative flow. Maybe I just wish, more than fucking anything, that a stiff drink or a bong hit would do the trick and erase my pain for a few hours. But they don't. Things get even worse, I feel so out of control, so over paranoid, overwhelmed and out of touch its not worth it to even try anymore. Then again, perhaps the painful lack of an escape substance has allowed me the notice the hypocrisy in the substance culture that everyone else seems oblivious to.
Such a sadly ironic phrase "substance culture", we are full of everything but, substance.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Watch me unravel I'll soon be naked
Lately I feel...insane. Or at least on the brink of it. Not in a psychotic, dangerous to others way, but in a violation of societal norms acting with no sense kind of way.I have been wanting to "go insane" for a long time. I am feeling the time is a comin soon.
Perhaps its a weird combination of the movies and books I've been reading. I have clogged my Blockbuster queue with horror movies and old black and white films. On top of that I have been filling my brain with David Sedaris and a random Amazon.com "You also might like" book about a twenty-something anarchist guy from Queens (how did they know?). I think what's really fueling it is my initial drive to get away from what I know. I know how to be quiet, I know how to be polite (forcing it of course), I know how to be a good student and a good employee, I know how to be "normal"...I think. This has not yielded significant results in my esteem, perhaps in others', but not in mine.
I do not want to be quiet, I do not want to be courteous (unless it is earned and deserved), I don't want to smile when I'm not happy or bullshit people just so they will like me. I intensely desire to just not give a fuck. Not abandon my compassion and empathy, but to not care if I am dressed appropriately for some stupid occassion, or apologize for speaking my mind, or concern myself with disappointing someone else's idea of normality. Yes I am single, I'm not a huge fan of children (unless its one at a time,they exahust me), I don't drink, smoke or do drugs (quite honestly that act of rebellion is played out and boring in my opinion, the sixties are over, drugs do not equal revolution, I will share my thoughts on that another time) and I don't like happy, sappy stories.
Life is pain and all that comes with it. Love is painful, family is painful, knowledge is painful, but if you're paying attention, there's beauty in pain too. People don't learn their biggest lessons when they are succeeding, when they feel happy and on top, they've already learned the lessons they needed to, that's how they got there. When you're miserable, drenched in tears and snotty tissues, screaming your brains out, throwing shit against the wall and probably other things that seem... well insane, is when things shift. So I guess what I really want to know is why are people so afraid of being in this state? I can understand not wanting to be in pain on a constant basis but we are so quick to get happy again? Why not just sit with it for a while, if possible,even relish in it. Maybe everyone needs to unravel a little sometimes. Be grateful, I am not saying that is a bad thing, but every time you feel the need for a little emotional outburst, fuck optimism, fuck positive thinking, fuck the secret, fuck propriety. Have it. Savor it. Enjoy it.
Perhaps its a weird combination of the movies and books I've been reading. I have clogged my Blockbuster queue with horror movies and old black and white films. On top of that I have been filling my brain with David Sedaris and a random Amazon.com "You also might like" book about a twenty-something anarchist guy from Queens (how did they know?). I think what's really fueling it is my initial drive to get away from what I know. I know how to be quiet, I know how to be polite (forcing it of course), I know how to be a good student and a good employee, I know how to be "normal"...I think. This has not yielded significant results in my esteem, perhaps in others', but not in mine.
I do not want to be quiet, I do not want to be courteous (unless it is earned and deserved), I don't want to smile when I'm not happy or bullshit people just so they will like me. I intensely desire to just not give a fuck. Not abandon my compassion and empathy, but to not care if I am dressed appropriately for some stupid occassion, or apologize for speaking my mind, or concern myself with disappointing someone else's idea of normality. Yes I am single, I'm not a huge fan of children (unless its one at a time,they exahust me), I don't drink, smoke or do drugs (quite honestly that act of rebellion is played out and boring in my opinion, the sixties are over, drugs do not equal revolution, I will share my thoughts on that another time) and I don't like happy, sappy stories.
Life is pain and all that comes with it. Love is painful, family is painful, knowledge is painful, but if you're paying attention, there's beauty in pain too. People don't learn their biggest lessons when they are succeeding, when they feel happy and on top, they've already learned the lessons they needed to, that's how they got there. When you're miserable, drenched in tears and snotty tissues, screaming your brains out, throwing shit against the wall and probably other things that seem... well insane, is when things shift. So I guess what I really want to know is why are people so afraid of being in this state? I can understand not wanting to be in pain on a constant basis but we are so quick to get happy again? Why not just sit with it for a while, if possible,even relish in it. Maybe everyone needs to unravel a little sometimes. Be grateful, I am not saying that is a bad thing, but every time you feel the need for a little emotional outburst, fuck optimism, fuck positive thinking, fuck the secret, fuck propriety. Have it. Savor it. Enjoy it.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Retail Therapy= $5 per hole in my soul
What things do people feel guilty about? Is it food? Is it porn? Is it weed/alcohol/drug of choice? Well mine is...shopping. The fact that is so stereotypical and trite makes it all the more shameful. I guess that's why its guilty because if you were okay with it then you'd be in blissful ignorance of any damage it might cause.
This weekend I decided in order to boost myself into motivation mode for job applying/interviewing/hunting I would go shopping for work and interview appropriate attire.I convinced myself it would be fun to change it up and dress like the women on Mad Men. Yeah I know its stupid. Well...my intentions were there. But we all know we do these things because we are avoiding something or in some cases someone.
Before graduation it was to deal with stress, after graduation it was to pass time, same when I moved to SF. Then it started to become a daily thing, I would make an excuse that I needed something, a particular item, say a pair of knee high boots or a motorcycle jacket. Which is actually fine and not really excessive, but then there's the boredom browses. The days when I have nothing better to do than stop by the mall near my house or hop on the rail to Union Square or casually/on purpose make sure a cool vintage store was on my path. Not that I don't want to do other things like visit a museum, go to a movie, see a concert... but those are things that most people, myself included, want to do with someone else. Without a job, I have a lot of time on my hands, and being new to the city I spend much of it alone.
So why do we choose to do things we feel most guilty about? Self- punishment? Excitement in doing something "bad"? Probably a little of both. I also know I do it to forget. The same way people do drugs. I want to forget about the problems with my family, I want to forget having to worry about a job and a career, I want to forget about how upset I am about the world's injustices, I want to forget about my emotional disorders, and most of all I just want to forget that I feel alone.
This weekend I decided in order to boost myself into motivation mode for job applying/interviewing/hunting I would go shopping for work and interview appropriate attire.I convinced myself it would be fun to change it up and dress like the women on Mad Men. Yeah I know its stupid. Well...my intentions were there. But we all know we do these things because we are avoiding something or in some cases someone.
Before graduation it was to deal with stress, after graduation it was to pass time, same when I moved to SF. Then it started to become a daily thing, I would make an excuse that I needed something, a particular item, say a pair of knee high boots or a motorcycle jacket. Which is actually fine and not really excessive, but then there's the boredom browses. The days when I have nothing better to do than stop by the mall near my house or hop on the rail to Union Square or casually/on purpose make sure a cool vintage store was on my path. Not that I don't want to do other things like visit a museum, go to a movie, see a concert... but those are things that most people, myself included, want to do with someone else. Without a job, I have a lot of time on my hands, and being new to the city I spend much of it alone.
So why do we choose to do things we feel most guilty about? Self- punishment? Excitement in doing something "bad"? Probably a little of both. I also know I do it to forget. The same way people do drugs. I want to forget about the problems with my family, I want to forget having to worry about a job and a career, I want to forget about how upset I am about the world's injustices, I want to forget about my emotional disorders, and most of all I just want to forget that I feel alone.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"Courtship to marriage, is a very witty prologue to a very dull play"
I happened to notice, everyone I know is getting married. Ok not EVERYone, but more than just one. First my friend in Orlando texts me "I'M ENGAGED!" to which I begrudgingly respond "yay." Then a Facebook status of my once-upon-a-time-badass-nonconformist cousin read something like "Planning for wedding and blah blah blah" (I don't remember exactly since I just saw the wedding part and skipped over the rest). And most recently, my dearest childhood friend from New York's current boyfriend posts, once again via Facebook, "Lookin for a rock!"(Referring to an engagement ring and of course followed by the gratuitous "congrats!" comments.) Ugh.
It's not that I'm not happy for them being happy. I just always wonder if marriage is what makes people happy or if its the thought of eternal companionship (which doesn't require a legal union as far as I'm concerned)? I'm guessing its the latter since we equate one with the other despite quite a few key differences.
Ok , since I'm a dork, I dictionaried it:
mar·riage- the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.
(2) : the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage.
*(I just want to say thank you to Merriam- Webster for adding that second part of the definition in a small attempt to appease a progressive audience.)*
Sounds cut and dry to me. A consensual contract. How romantic.
I always like to ask people "if marriage isn't a business deal then why do people get married in churches, but get divorced in court?"
Why is this tradition so sought after? In a world where its ok to have sex before marriage, have a baby before marriage, wear hideous cupcake monstrosity dresses or on the other end of the spectrum wear pasties instead of dresses, be so wasted you can't remember the wedding and of course my favorite, marrying someone twice or thrice your age only to inherit their fortune. What's the worst offense? Trying to marry someone with the same junk as you. I don't get it.
We have turned the institution of marriage upside down. The building is still there, but we have covered it in graffiti, pissed in it's foyers and stairways, allowed stray animals to seek refuge in its attic and yet, its still rampant with foot traffic.Everyone wants to step foot in the house of marriage. But seriously I ask, after we've glamorized it, ghettoized it, and made it nearly unrecognizable, why bother with it at all? There are some obvious reasons I can understand like tax benefits, sharing health insurance, gaining citizenship and a few other logical benefits, but why mask these reasons with "because we're in love". Love is free last time I checked.Why not just stay together until you NEED to get married? Have a party in the name of your love filled union minus the boring, shitty ceremony that most people wish they were drunk for anyway?
I personally would find it interesting if all people who thought marriage was as important as they make it out to be would boycott it until conditions improve. Perhaps until the legality of marriage is available to ALL citizens we could tone down (or in some cases altogether eliminate) the hype around weddings. Stop the pushing of the shiny evil rings, the insanely expensive dresses that no one wears twice, the acceptance of people thinking they are royalty because of this occasion,the happily ever after fairy tale (I guess the divorce rate is irrelevant) and my personal favorite, the complete lack of creativity in expressing how much you love someone.
Oscar Wilde,my dead but still relevant soulmate, said: “People who love only once in their lives are. . . shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination.”Although I think he is speaking more to monogamy in general than just marriage, I do think his point is relevant to the concept we are fed since birth that we should be locked with one person, of the opposite sex, forever and ever and ever.
I do understand that people need validation for their love, and for nearly all their emotions for that matter. However, love hits a nerve with nearly everyone. Society may have its constructions, but I do believe we are naturally inclined to want to belong and avoid lonliness. We need to be loved, and if we don't have some kind of tangible validation like a phrase or a ceremony to recognize it we are left into an abyss with the perpetual question if we can or ever will be loved.
But what happens when people want to stray out of the box and not get married? Pressure. Think about it. Sure we have the players and the field dwellers (most of whom are men) that seem to be having a good time being single, but there is still the lingering assumption that all that enjoyment, if any, being single, is all just tailgating to the big game of marriage.
You know what would be totally kick-ass and awesome in my ideal, fantasy world? People loving each other, for no reason, without societal validation, without restrictions based on sexual orientation, race, class. Just because they can. And unless you really have to, don't rush to the altar, the better alternative:
promise your love and commitment to a significant other(s) and actually just follow through.
It's not that I'm not happy for them being happy. I just always wonder if marriage is what makes people happy or if its the thought of eternal companionship (which doesn't require a legal union as far as I'm concerned)? I'm guessing its the latter since we equate one with the other despite quite a few key differences.
Ok , since I'm a dork, I dictionaried it:
mar·riage- the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.
(2) : the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage.
*(I just want to say thank you to Merriam- Webster for adding that second part of the definition in a small attempt to appease a progressive audience.)*
Sounds cut and dry to me. A consensual contract. How romantic.
I always like to ask people "if marriage isn't a business deal then why do people get married in churches, but get divorced in court?"
Why is this tradition so sought after? In a world where its ok to have sex before marriage, have a baby before marriage, wear hideous cupcake monstrosity dresses or on the other end of the spectrum wear pasties instead of dresses, be so wasted you can't remember the wedding and of course my favorite, marrying someone twice or thrice your age only to inherit their fortune. What's the worst offense? Trying to marry someone with the same junk as you. I don't get it.
We have turned the institution of marriage upside down. The building is still there, but we have covered it in graffiti, pissed in it's foyers and stairways, allowed stray animals to seek refuge in its attic and yet, its still rampant with foot traffic.Everyone wants to step foot in the house of marriage. But seriously I ask, after we've glamorized it, ghettoized it, and made it nearly unrecognizable, why bother with it at all? There are some obvious reasons I can understand like tax benefits, sharing health insurance, gaining citizenship and a few other logical benefits, but why mask these reasons with "because we're in love". Love is free last time I checked.Why not just stay together until you NEED to get married? Have a party in the name of your love filled union minus the boring, shitty ceremony that most people wish they were drunk for anyway?
I personally would find it interesting if all people who thought marriage was as important as they make it out to be would boycott it until conditions improve. Perhaps until the legality of marriage is available to ALL citizens we could tone down (or in some cases altogether eliminate) the hype around weddings. Stop the pushing of the shiny evil rings, the insanely expensive dresses that no one wears twice, the acceptance of people thinking they are royalty because of this occasion,the happily ever after fairy tale (I guess the divorce rate is irrelevant) and my personal favorite, the complete lack of creativity in expressing how much you love someone.
Oscar Wilde,my dead but still relevant soulmate, said: “People who love only once in their lives are. . . shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination.”Although I think he is speaking more to monogamy in general than just marriage, I do think his point is relevant to the concept we are fed since birth that we should be locked with one person, of the opposite sex, forever and ever and ever.
I do understand that people need validation for their love, and for nearly all their emotions for that matter. However, love hits a nerve with nearly everyone. Society may have its constructions, but I do believe we are naturally inclined to want to belong and avoid lonliness. We need to be loved, and if we don't have some kind of tangible validation like a phrase or a ceremony to recognize it we are left into an abyss with the perpetual question if we can or ever will be loved.
But what happens when people want to stray out of the box and not get married? Pressure. Think about it. Sure we have the players and the field dwellers (most of whom are men) that seem to be having a good time being single, but there is still the lingering assumption that all that enjoyment, if any, being single, is all just tailgating to the big game of marriage.
You know what would be totally kick-ass and awesome in my ideal, fantasy world? People loving each other, for no reason, without societal validation, without restrictions based on sexual orientation, race, class. Just because they can. And unless you really have to, don't rush to the altar, the better alternative:
promise your love and commitment to a significant other(s) and actually just follow through.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
“Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters”
I was thinking about how some things never leave you. For example, I believe there are certain New Yorkisms that never quite leave that native, no matter where they end up.For me, it is what I like to call the "MOVE BITCHAZZ" ism. No matter where we go,no matter how long we've been away from the NYC, no matter what the local etiquette is on our vacations: We want. People. To move. The fuck. Out. The. Way.
With the exception of those who genuinely cannot help it (the elderly or disabled)all others people need to get it moving or get out the way. Perfectly normal people, with perfectly normal legs and vision should be able to kindly step aside instead of impersonating a pinball.
Occasionally I feel bad. I should be the nice,lovely,polite lady everyone thinks I should be...but the bitch bubbles under the surface, seething, thinking mean nasty things I wish I could just say aloud.Which likely furthers my frustration. This is why punching bags, gun ranges and credit cards were invented.
I couldn't help but think,is my bitchiness purely my New Yawk upbringing or is this probably caused by natural personality variations? AKA: Type A and Type B personalities. Remember those? The war between the laid back and the live-wired. Most people like to say they are Type B since Type A was seen as the more dysfunctional and likely to cause physical illness due to their workaholic, impatient disposition. However, Type Bs can be seen as apathetic, disengaged and well lazy. So clearly neither is best because if the world was Type As we'd all die early from all the stress and if we were all Type B's nothing would ever get done because nobody would think the stress was worth it. Still, Type As get a bad rep.
We are the ones burning holes in the back of your head when you are casually texting while walking like a fucking snail and not bothering to clear a path. We are the ones who skip the small talk at the grocery store so we can actually just get home quicker and eat the goddamn food we just bought. In other words, we don't stop to smell the roses. And if you tell us to try it, we'll tell you to shove the roses in your ass.
It seems like we are inundated with messages to "be happy". Take a vacation, eat more food, see more shitty movies with no meaning,smile more, spend more money on shit you don't need because it will make you happy. I haven't even begun to touch on the sexist, racist, ageist, classist intersection of these messages but I will leave that for another day.I do think Type As are misunderstood. There may be some unpleasant traits because they do not see the point in just chilling out sometimes. In fact, forcing them to stop and relax may cause more anxiety because they'll be thinking about all the stuff they could be accomplishing with that time. So what's wrong with wanting to get shit done? The key is how you handle situations of failure or disappointment. Do you marinade in self chastisement or figure out how to make it better and keep moving?
Basically we live in a society where many of us are pushed to fit in a box that honestly feels too tight and too opaque. Yet there is such a conflicting push to make more money so we can actually have the time, space and ability to do all this "enjoying". Wtf?
Personally, I may get annoyed sometimes by some fumbling tourist or texting teens but I do genuinely respect all people as fellow living beings on this earth with an equal right to pursue whatever the hell they want as long as they're not hurting anyone else. I do however, often feel us humans seem to enjoy oppressing each other in ways big and small.
So in closing, I support all those who want to stop and smell those roses and whatever else you want to do with them. Just do the rest of us a favor and smell those fucking roses on the side of the road, I'm trying to get somewhere.
With the exception of those who genuinely cannot help it (the elderly or disabled)all others people need to get it moving or get out the way. Perfectly normal people, with perfectly normal legs and vision should be able to kindly step aside instead of impersonating a pinball.
Occasionally I feel bad. I should be the nice,lovely,polite lady everyone thinks I should be...but the bitch bubbles under the surface, seething, thinking mean nasty things I wish I could just say aloud.Which likely furthers my frustration. This is why punching bags, gun ranges and credit cards were invented.
I couldn't help but think,is my bitchiness purely my New Yawk upbringing or is this probably caused by natural personality variations? AKA: Type A and Type B personalities. Remember those? The war between the laid back and the live-wired. Most people like to say they are Type B since Type A was seen as the more dysfunctional and likely to cause physical illness due to their workaholic, impatient disposition. However, Type Bs can be seen as apathetic, disengaged and well lazy. So clearly neither is best because if the world was Type As we'd all die early from all the stress and if we were all Type B's nothing would ever get done because nobody would think the stress was worth it. Still, Type As get a bad rep.
We are the ones burning holes in the back of your head when you are casually texting while walking like a fucking snail and not bothering to clear a path. We are the ones who skip the small talk at the grocery store so we can actually just get home quicker and eat the goddamn food we just bought. In other words, we don't stop to smell the roses. And if you tell us to try it, we'll tell you to shove the roses in your ass.
It seems like we are inundated with messages to "be happy". Take a vacation, eat more food, see more shitty movies with no meaning,smile more, spend more money on shit you don't need because it will make you happy. I haven't even begun to touch on the sexist, racist, ageist, classist intersection of these messages but I will leave that for another day.I do think Type As are misunderstood. There may be some unpleasant traits because they do not see the point in just chilling out sometimes. In fact, forcing them to stop and relax may cause more anxiety because they'll be thinking about all the stuff they could be accomplishing with that time. So what's wrong with wanting to get shit done? The key is how you handle situations of failure or disappointment. Do you marinade in self chastisement or figure out how to make it better and keep moving?
Basically we live in a society where many of us are pushed to fit in a box that honestly feels too tight and too opaque. Yet there is such a conflicting push to make more money so we can actually have the time, space and ability to do all this "enjoying". Wtf?
Personally, I may get annoyed sometimes by some fumbling tourist or texting teens but I do genuinely respect all people as fellow living beings on this earth with an equal right to pursue whatever the hell they want as long as they're not hurting anyone else. I do however, often feel us humans seem to enjoy oppressing each other in ways big and small.
So in closing, I support all those who want to stop and smell those roses and whatever else you want to do with them. Just do the rest of us a favor and smell those fucking roses on the side of the road, I'm trying to get somewhere.
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