What things do people feel guilty about? Is it food? Is it porn? Is it weed/alcohol/drug of choice? Well mine is...shopping. The fact that is so stereotypical and trite makes it all the more shameful. I guess that's why its guilty because if you were okay with it then you'd be in blissful ignorance of any damage it might cause.
This weekend I decided in order to boost myself into motivation mode for job applying/interviewing/hunting I would go shopping for work and interview appropriate attire.I convinced myself it would be fun to change it up and dress like the women on Mad Men. Yeah I know its stupid. Well...my intentions were there. But we all know we do these things because we are avoiding something or in some cases someone.
Before graduation it was to deal with stress, after graduation it was to pass time, same when I moved to SF. Then it started to become a daily thing, I would make an excuse that I needed something, a particular item, say a pair of knee high boots or a motorcycle jacket. Which is actually fine and not really excessive, but then there's the boredom browses. The days when I have nothing better to do than stop by the mall near my house or hop on the rail to Union Square or casually/on purpose make sure a cool vintage store was on my path. Not that I don't want to do other things like visit a museum, go to a movie, see a concert... but those are things that most people, myself included, want to do with someone else. Without a job, I have a lot of time on my hands, and being new to the city I spend much of it alone.
So why do we choose to do things we feel most guilty about? Self- punishment? Excitement in doing something "bad"? Probably a little of both. I also know I do it to forget. The same way people do drugs. I want to forget about the problems with my family, I want to forget having to worry about a job and a career, I want to forget about how upset I am about the world's injustices, I want to forget about my emotional disorders, and most of all I just want to forget that I feel alone.
