Lately I feel...insane. Or at least on the brink of it. Not in a psychotic, dangerous to others way, but in a violation of societal norms acting with no sense kind of way.I have been wanting to "go insane" for a long time. I am feeling the time is a comin soon.
Perhaps its a weird combination of the movies and books I've been reading. I have clogged my Blockbuster queue with horror movies and old black and white films. On top of that I have been filling my brain with David Sedaris and a random Amazon.com "You also might like" book about a twenty-something anarchist guy from Queens (how did they know?). I think what's really fueling it is my initial drive to get away from what I know. I know how to be quiet, I know how to be polite (forcing it of course), I know how to be a good student and a good employee, I know how to be "normal"...I think. This has not yielded significant results in my esteem, perhaps in others', but not in mine.
I do not want to be quiet, I do not want to be courteous (unless it is earned and deserved), I don't want to smile when I'm not happy or bullshit people just so they will like me. I intensely desire to just not give a fuck. Not abandon my compassion and empathy, but to not care if I am dressed appropriately for some stupid occassion, or apologize for speaking my mind, or concern myself with disappointing someone else's idea of normality. Yes I am single, I'm not a huge fan of children (unless its one at a time,they exahust me), I don't drink, smoke or do drugs (quite honestly that act of rebellion is played out and boring in my opinion, the sixties are over, drugs do not equal revolution, I will share my thoughts on that another time) and I don't like happy, sappy stories.
Life is pain and all that comes with it. Love is painful, family is painful, knowledge is painful, but if you're paying attention, there's beauty in pain too. People don't learn their biggest lessons when they are succeeding, when they feel happy and on top, they've already learned the lessons they needed to, that's how they got there. When you're miserable, drenched in tears and snotty tissues, screaming your brains out, throwing shit against the wall and probably other things that seem... well insane, is when things shift. So I guess what I really want to know is why are people so afraid of being in this state? I can understand not wanting to be in pain on a constant basis but we are so quick to get happy again? Why not just sit with it for a while, if possible,even relish in it. Maybe everyone needs to unravel a little sometimes. Be grateful, I am not saying that is a bad thing, but every time you feel the need for a little emotional outburst, fuck optimism, fuck positive thinking, fuck the secret, fuck propriety. Have it. Savor it. Enjoy it.
