Lately I feel...insane. Or at least on the brink of it. Not in a psychotic, dangerous to others way, but in a violation of societal norms acting with no sense kind of way.I have been wanting to "go insane" for a long time. I am feeling the time is a comin soon.
Perhaps its a weird combination of the movies and books I've been reading. I have clogged my Blockbuster queue with horror movies and old black and white films. On top of that I have been filling my brain with David Sedaris and a random Amazon.com "You also might like" book about a twenty-something anarchist guy from Queens (how did they know?). I think what's really fueling it is my initial drive to get away from what I know. I know how to be quiet, I know how to be polite (forcing it of course), I know how to be a good student and a good employee, I know how to be "normal"...I think. This has not yielded significant results in my esteem, perhaps in others', but not in mine.
I do not want to be quiet, I do not want to be courteous (unless it is earned and deserved), I don't want to smile when I'm not happy or bullshit people just so they will like me. I intensely desire to just not give a fuck. Not abandon my compassion and empathy, but to not care if I am dressed appropriately for some stupid occassion, or apologize for speaking my mind, or concern myself with disappointing someone else's idea of normality. Yes I am single, I'm not a huge fan of children (unless its one at a time,they exahust me), I don't drink, smoke or do drugs (quite honestly that act of rebellion is played out and boring in my opinion, the sixties are over, drugs do not equal revolution, I will share my thoughts on that another time) and I don't like happy, sappy stories.
Life is pain and all that comes with it. Love is painful, family is painful, knowledge is painful, but if you're paying attention, there's beauty in pain too. People don't learn their biggest lessons when they are succeeding, when they feel happy and on top, they've already learned the lessons they needed to, that's how they got there. When you're miserable, drenched in tears and snotty tissues, screaming your brains out, throwing shit against the wall and probably other things that seem... well insane, is when things shift. So I guess what I really want to know is why are people so afraid of being in this state? I can understand not wanting to be in pain on a constant basis but we are so quick to get happy again? Why not just sit with it for a while, if possible,even relish in it. Maybe everyone needs to unravel a little sometimes. Be grateful, I am not saying that is a bad thing, but every time you feel the need for a little emotional outburst, fuck optimism, fuck positive thinking, fuck the secret, fuck propriety. Have it. Savor it. Enjoy it.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Retail Therapy= $5 per hole in my soul
What things do people feel guilty about? Is it food? Is it porn? Is it weed/alcohol/drug of choice? Well mine is...shopping. The fact that is so stereotypical and trite makes it all the more shameful. I guess that's why its guilty because if you were okay with it then you'd be in blissful ignorance of any damage it might cause.
This weekend I decided in order to boost myself into motivation mode for job applying/interviewing/hunting I would go shopping for work and interview appropriate attire.I convinced myself it would be fun to change it up and dress like the women on Mad Men. Yeah I know its stupid. Well...my intentions were there. But we all know we do these things because we are avoiding something or in some cases someone.
Before graduation it was to deal with stress, after graduation it was to pass time, same when I moved to SF. Then it started to become a daily thing, I would make an excuse that I needed something, a particular item, say a pair of knee high boots or a motorcycle jacket. Which is actually fine and not really excessive, but then there's the boredom browses. The days when I have nothing better to do than stop by the mall near my house or hop on the rail to Union Square or casually/on purpose make sure a cool vintage store was on my path. Not that I don't want to do other things like visit a museum, go to a movie, see a concert... but those are things that most people, myself included, want to do with someone else. Without a job, I have a lot of time on my hands, and being new to the city I spend much of it alone.
So why do we choose to do things we feel most guilty about? Self- punishment? Excitement in doing something "bad"? Probably a little of both. I also know I do it to forget. The same way people do drugs. I want to forget about the problems with my family, I want to forget having to worry about a job and a career, I want to forget about how upset I am about the world's injustices, I want to forget about my emotional disorders, and most of all I just want to forget that I feel alone.
This weekend I decided in order to boost myself into motivation mode for job applying/interviewing/hunting I would go shopping for work and interview appropriate attire.I convinced myself it would be fun to change it up and dress like the women on Mad Men. Yeah I know its stupid. Well...my intentions were there. But we all know we do these things because we are avoiding something or in some cases someone.
Before graduation it was to deal with stress, after graduation it was to pass time, same when I moved to SF. Then it started to become a daily thing, I would make an excuse that I needed something, a particular item, say a pair of knee high boots or a motorcycle jacket. Which is actually fine and not really excessive, but then there's the boredom browses. The days when I have nothing better to do than stop by the mall near my house or hop on the rail to Union Square or casually/on purpose make sure a cool vintage store was on my path. Not that I don't want to do other things like visit a museum, go to a movie, see a concert... but those are things that most people, myself included, want to do with someone else. Without a job, I have a lot of time on my hands, and being new to the city I spend much of it alone.
So why do we choose to do things we feel most guilty about? Self- punishment? Excitement in doing something "bad"? Probably a little of both. I also know I do it to forget. The same way people do drugs. I want to forget about the problems with my family, I want to forget having to worry about a job and a career, I want to forget about how upset I am about the world's injustices, I want to forget about my emotional disorders, and most of all I just want to forget that I feel alone.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"Courtship to marriage, is a very witty prologue to a very dull play"
I happened to notice, everyone I know is getting married. Ok not EVERYone, but more than just one. First my friend in Orlando texts me "I'M ENGAGED!" to which I begrudgingly respond "yay." Then a Facebook status of my once-upon-a-time-badass-nonconformist cousin read something like "Planning for wedding and blah blah blah" (I don't remember exactly since I just saw the wedding part and skipped over the rest). And most recently, my dearest childhood friend from New York's current boyfriend posts, once again via Facebook, "Lookin for a rock!"(Referring to an engagement ring and of course followed by the gratuitous "congrats!" comments.) Ugh.
It's not that I'm not happy for them being happy. I just always wonder if marriage is what makes people happy or if its the thought of eternal companionship (which doesn't require a legal union as far as I'm concerned)? I'm guessing its the latter since we equate one with the other despite quite a few key differences.
Ok , since I'm a dork, I dictionaried it:
mar·riage- the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.
(2) : the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage.
*(I just want to say thank you to Merriam- Webster for adding that second part of the definition in a small attempt to appease a progressive audience.)*
Sounds cut and dry to me. A consensual contract. How romantic.
I always like to ask people "if marriage isn't a business deal then why do people get married in churches, but get divorced in court?"
Why is this tradition so sought after? In a world where its ok to have sex before marriage, have a baby before marriage, wear hideous cupcake monstrosity dresses or on the other end of the spectrum wear pasties instead of dresses, be so wasted you can't remember the wedding and of course my favorite, marrying someone twice or thrice your age only to inherit their fortune. What's the worst offense? Trying to marry someone with the same junk as you. I don't get it.
We have turned the institution of marriage upside down. The building is still there, but we have covered it in graffiti, pissed in it's foyers and stairways, allowed stray animals to seek refuge in its attic and yet, its still rampant with foot traffic.Everyone wants to step foot in the house of marriage. But seriously I ask, after we've glamorized it, ghettoized it, and made it nearly unrecognizable, why bother with it at all? There are some obvious reasons I can understand like tax benefits, sharing health insurance, gaining citizenship and a few other logical benefits, but why mask these reasons with "because we're in love". Love is free last time I checked.Why not just stay together until you NEED to get married? Have a party in the name of your love filled union minus the boring, shitty ceremony that most people wish they were drunk for anyway?
I personally would find it interesting if all people who thought marriage was as important as they make it out to be would boycott it until conditions improve. Perhaps until the legality of marriage is available to ALL citizens we could tone down (or in some cases altogether eliminate) the hype around weddings. Stop the pushing of the shiny evil rings, the insanely expensive dresses that no one wears twice, the acceptance of people thinking they are royalty because of this occasion,the happily ever after fairy tale (I guess the divorce rate is irrelevant) and my personal favorite, the complete lack of creativity in expressing how much you love someone.
Oscar Wilde,my dead but still relevant soulmate, said: “People who love only once in their lives are. . . shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination.”Although I think he is speaking more to monogamy in general than just marriage, I do think his point is relevant to the concept we are fed since birth that we should be locked with one person, of the opposite sex, forever and ever and ever.
I do understand that people need validation for their love, and for nearly all their emotions for that matter. However, love hits a nerve with nearly everyone. Society may have its constructions, but I do believe we are naturally inclined to want to belong and avoid lonliness. We need to be loved, and if we don't have some kind of tangible validation like a phrase or a ceremony to recognize it we are left into an abyss with the perpetual question if we can or ever will be loved.
But what happens when people want to stray out of the box and not get married? Pressure. Think about it. Sure we have the players and the field dwellers (most of whom are men) that seem to be having a good time being single, but there is still the lingering assumption that all that enjoyment, if any, being single, is all just tailgating to the big game of marriage.
You know what would be totally kick-ass and awesome in my ideal, fantasy world? People loving each other, for no reason, without societal validation, without restrictions based on sexual orientation, race, class. Just because they can. And unless you really have to, don't rush to the altar, the better alternative:
promise your love and commitment to a significant other(s) and actually just follow through.
It's not that I'm not happy for them being happy. I just always wonder if marriage is what makes people happy or if its the thought of eternal companionship (which doesn't require a legal union as far as I'm concerned)? I'm guessing its the latter since we equate one with the other despite quite a few key differences.
Ok , since I'm a dork, I dictionaried it:
mar·riage- the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.
(2) : the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage.
*(I just want to say thank you to Merriam- Webster for adding that second part of the definition in a small attempt to appease a progressive audience.)*
Sounds cut and dry to me. A consensual contract. How romantic.
I always like to ask people "if marriage isn't a business deal then why do people get married in churches, but get divorced in court?"
Why is this tradition so sought after? In a world where its ok to have sex before marriage, have a baby before marriage, wear hideous cupcake monstrosity dresses or on the other end of the spectrum wear pasties instead of dresses, be so wasted you can't remember the wedding and of course my favorite, marrying someone twice or thrice your age only to inherit their fortune. What's the worst offense? Trying to marry someone with the same junk as you. I don't get it.
We have turned the institution of marriage upside down. The building is still there, but we have covered it in graffiti, pissed in it's foyers and stairways, allowed stray animals to seek refuge in its attic and yet, its still rampant with foot traffic.Everyone wants to step foot in the house of marriage. But seriously I ask, after we've glamorized it, ghettoized it, and made it nearly unrecognizable, why bother with it at all? There are some obvious reasons I can understand like tax benefits, sharing health insurance, gaining citizenship and a few other logical benefits, but why mask these reasons with "because we're in love". Love is free last time I checked.Why not just stay together until you NEED to get married? Have a party in the name of your love filled union minus the boring, shitty ceremony that most people wish they were drunk for anyway?
I personally would find it interesting if all people who thought marriage was as important as they make it out to be would boycott it until conditions improve. Perhaps until the legality of marriage is available to ALL citizens we could tone down (or in some cases altogether eliminate) the hype around weddings. Stop the pushing of the shiny evil rings, the insanely expensive dresses that no one wears twice, the acceptance of people thinking they are royalty because of this occasion,the happily ever after fairy tale (I guess the divorce rate is irrelevant) and my personal favorite, the complete lack of creativity in expressing how much you love someone.
Oscar Wilde,my dead but still relevant soulmate, said: “People who love only once in their lives are. . . shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination.”Although I think he is speaking more to monogamy in general than just marriage, I do think his point is relevant to the concept we are fed since birth that we should be locked with one person, of the opposite sex, forever and ever and ever.
I do understand that people need validation for their love, and for nearly all their emotions for that matter. However, love hits a nerve with nearly everyone. Society may have its constructions, but I do believe we are naturally inclined to want to belong and avoid lonliness. We need to be loved, and if we don't have some kind of tangible validation like a phrase or a ceremony to recognize it we are left into an abyss with the perpetual question if we can or ever will be loved.
But what happens when people want to stray out of the box and not get married? Pressure. Think about it. Sure we have the players and the field dwellers (most of whom are men) that seem to be having a good time being single, but there is still the lingering assumption that all that enjoyment, if any, being single, is all just tailgating to the big game of marriage.
You know what would be totally kick-ass and awesome in my ideal, fantasy world? People loving each other, for no reason, without societal validation, without restrictions based on sexual orientation, race, class. Just because they can. And unless you really have to, don't rush to the altar, the better alternative:
promise your love and commitment to a significant other(s) and actually just follow through.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
“Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters”
I was thinking about how some things never leave you. For example, I believe there are certain New Yorkisms that never quite leave that native, no matter where they end up.For me, it is what I like to call the "MOVE BITCHAZZ" ism. No matter where we go,no matter how long we've been away from the NYC, no matter what the local etiquette is on our vacations: We want. People. To move. The fuck. Out. The. Way.
With the exception of those who genuinely cannot help it (the elderly or disabled)all others people need to get it moving or get out the way. Perfectly normal people, with perfectly normal legs and vision should be able to kindly step aside instead of impersonating a pinball.
Occasionally I feel bad. I should be the nice,lovely,polite lady everyone thinks I should be...but the bitch bubbles under the surface, seething, thinking mean nasty things I wish I could just say aloud.Which likely furthers my frustration. This is why punching bags, gun ranges and credit cards were invented.
I couldn't help but think,is my bitchiness purely my New Yawk upbringing or is this probably caused by natural personality variations? AKA: Type A and Type B personalities. Remember those? The war between the laid back and the live-wired. Most people like to say they are Type B since Type A was seen as the more dysfunctional and likely to cause physical illness due to their workaholic, impatient disposition. However, Type Bs can be seen as apathetic, disengaged and well lazy. So clearly neither is best because if the world was Type As we'd all die early from all the stress and if we were all Type B's nothing would ever get done because nobody would think the stress was worth it. Still, Type As get a bad rep.
We are the ones burning holes in the back of your head when you are casually texting while walking like a fucking snail and not bothering to clear a path. We are the ones who skip the small talk at the grocery store so we can actually just get home quicker and eat the goddamn food we just bought. In other words, we don't stop to smell the roses. And if you tell us to try it, we'll tell you to shove the roses in your ass.
It seems like we are inundated with messages to "be happy". Take a vacation, eat more food, see more shitty movies with no meaning,smile more, spend more money on shit you don't need because it will make you happy. I haven't even begun to touch on the sexist, racist, ageist, classist intersection of these messages but I will leave that for another day.I do think Type As are misunderstood. There may be some unpleasant traits because they do not see the point in just chilling out sometimes. In fact, forcing them to stop and relax may cause more anxiety because they'll be thinking about all the stuff they could be accomplishing with that time. So what's wrong with wanting to get shit done? The key is how you handle situations of failure or disappointment. Do you marinade in self chastisement or figure out how to make it better and keep moving?
Basically we live in a society where many of us are pushed to fit in a box that honestly feels too tight and too opaque. Yet there is such a conflicting push to make more money so we can actually have the time, space and ability to do all this "enjoying". Wtf?
Personally, I may get annoyed sometimes by some fumbling tourist or texting teens but I do genuinely respect all people as fellow living beings on this earth with an equal right to pursue whatever the hell they want as long as they're not hurting anyone else. I do however, often feel us humans seem to enjoy oppressing each other in ways big and small.
So in closing, I support all those who want to stop and smell those roses and whatever else you want to do with them. Just do the rest of us a favor and smell those fucking roses on the side of the road, I'm trying to get somewhere.
With the exception of those who genuinely cannot help it (the elderly or disabled)all others people need to get it moving or get out the way. Perfectly normal people, with perfectly normal legs and vision should be able to kindly step aside instead of impersonating a pinball.
Occasionally I feel bad. I should be the nice,lovely,polite lady everyone thinks I should be...but the bitch bubbles under the surface, seething, thinking mean nasty things I wish I could just say aloud.Which likely furthers my frustration. This is why punching bags, gun ranges and credit cards were invented.
I couldn't help but think,is my bitchiness purely my New Yawk upbringing or is this probably caused by natural personality variations? AKA: Type A and Type B personalities. Remember those? The war between the laid back and the live-wired. Most people like to say they are Type B since Type A was seen as the more dysfunctional and likely to cause physical illness due to their workaholic, impatient disposition. However, Type Bs can be seen as apathetic, disengaged and well lazy. So clearly neither is best because if the world was Type As we'd all die early from all the stress and if we were all Type B's nothing would ever get done because nobody would think the stress was worth it. Still, Type As get a bad rep.
We are the ones burning holes in the back of your head when you are casually texting while walking like a fucking snail and not bothering to clear a path. We are the ones who skip the small talk at the grocery store so we can actually just get home quicker and eat the goddamn food we just bought. In other words, we don't stop to smell the roses. And if you tell us to try it, we'll tell you to shove the roses in your ass.
It seems like we are inundated with messages to "be happy". Take a vacation, eat more food, see more shitty movies with no meaning,smile more, spend more money on shit you don't need because it will make you happy. I haven't even begun to touch on the sexist, racist, ageist, classist intersection of these messages but I will leave that for another day.I do think Type As are misunderstood. There may be some unpleasant traits because they do not see the point in just chilling out sometimes. In fact, forcing them to stop and relax may cause more anxiety because they'll be thinking about all the stuff they could be accomplishing with that time. So what's wrong with wanting to get shit done? The key is how you handle situations of failure or disappointment. Do you marinade in self chastisement or figure out how to make it better and keep moving?
Basically we live in a society where many of us are pushed to fit in a box that honestly feels too tight and too opaque. Yet there is such a conflicting push to make more money so we can actually have the time, space and ability to do all this "enjoying". Wtf?
Personally, I may get annoyed sometimes by some fumbling tourist or texting teens but I do genuinely respect all people as fellow living beings on this earth with an equal right to pursue whatever the hell they want as long as they're not hurting anyone else. I do however, often feel us humans seem to enjoy oppressing each other in ways big and small.
So in closing, I support all those who want to stop and smell those roses and whatever else you want to do with them. Just do the rest of us a favor and smell those fucking roses on the side of the road, I'm trying to get somewhere.
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