Sooooo I have to get a wisdom tooth removed. Yay. Hopefully this can just be over and done with tomorrow but who knows how bad the situation is until the dentist says so. Boring, I know. However, every time something happens to make me upset or scared I start to think about the type of person I am being. This may sound odd, but I guess its a karma thing. I don't think just because bad or good things happen we entirely deserve them, but I do think they happen to give you the opportunity to reflect. For example, lots of people have to have their wisdom teeth taken care of. Its annoying, painful, and frightening, but, it doesn't mean because its occurring , its due to some wrong I have done. It does however, serve as a little wake up call to say "hey, have you been compassionate enough to other people who may be experiencing pain too?"
I get frustrated at work a lot. People seem stupid, lazy, and straight up rude. I still try to see things from their point of view. I make the attempt to at least listen before I dismiss people.Some people just need to vent. I get it. Just don't use me as your emotional toilet. That being said, it seems really hard sometimes to maintain goodheartedness. People have said to me,on more than one occasion, "You're already a good person, that won't change. So don't worry so much about it." Which I think is an odd thing to say. Really? Then why are so many people ruined by greed or power? I may sound insane for saying this but even people like Hitler and Saddam Hussein were still human (barely), but I'm sure someone in the world cared enough about them to be concerned if they lived or died, there must have been some, albeit microscopic, part of them that was good. There are forces in this world that change people. Even everyday things that seep in slowly, like materialism, selfishness, or the worst of them...apathy. So I ask honestly, is it really so easy to just "be a good person"? What the hell is "good" anyway? Giving $20 to a few charities during the holidays? A dollar to a bum? Holding the door for someone incapacitated? These are nice things. Thank you. They are also things you just should be doing any time you are capable of doing them. Without question.
I also find it interesting that positions requiring people to heal, assist, listen, advocate, teach, and rehabilitate is called "heavyhearted" work. These are all positions that, in my opinion, are held by people who are trying to "do good". The idea of being a good person is constantly in their view, and they have chosen a profession or role to constantly remind them to be a good person. Sadly, a lot of weight comes with this. Hence the "heavy" part of "heavyhearted". The weight isn't just from carrying the burdens and struggles of the people these workers are surrounded by and are attempting to help, its also the personal burden of feeling that society may not always be on your side. It the weight that everyone else's apathy has caused by not pulling their own. The sad part is, even these people with their amazingly pure intentions can be tainted. They are tainted by resentment, because everyone else can feel free from responsibility while they take it on.
Can you imagine how hard it must be to keep true friends? To find a lasting partner? Especially a partner. Who wants someone who will only stick around as long as its convenient for them? I see myself as sort of a ship. I haven't had a hard time finding passengers. They enjoy the ride well enough, but for the most part, they leave once the seas get rough. I don't want anymore passengers. I want a captain. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I want someone to control me and direct where I should go at their discretion. I view the captain as having a special relationship with the ship. He (or she for anyone else) must work with the ship and how it handles the waves and weather, and in return the ship provides not only shelter and protection but acts as a great vessel to take the captain on an incredible journey. And most of all, no matter what, the captain goes down with the ship. A deal's a deal.
That's the relationship I want, as I am sure many others do.
The title comes from a Florence and the Machine song "I'm so heavy". I heard the song a few weeks ago while watching a woman dance to it on a ceiling ribbon, Cirque du Soleil style. My favorite lyric is " I was a heavy heart to carry/But he never let me down/When he had me in his arms/My feet never touched the ground."I don't entirely know what this lyric was intending to say, but the best songs are open to interpretation and this one hit home for me. The aching desire to have someone, even just friends, to not only be aware the weight we carry in our hearts, for whatever reason, but to be willing to carry us through rough times, as we would do for them. Its a type of caring that is rare. A type of love that is rare. Just remember, there are people out their who do this even for those they barely know. Merely to better the human race. To preserve not only goodness, but hope. At the expense of becoming heavy themselves, but still maintaining the hope that someone else was inspired by their actions enough to recreate them. I have always wondered if a person must sacrifice intimacy to gain freedom. Perhaps a little. But maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe connecting with people through service to them isn't as burdensome and stressful as I have thought. Maybe these are the freest people in the world, because they have front row seats to watch progress and beauty happen. Maybe. I can only hope.
